PTSD

OK so...... Just had a phone evaluation for the caregiver program and ended up giving a lesson to the woman on the phone about PTSD and the life we live

She asked me to rate the "burden" my husbands PTSD has put on me and our lives from 1 to 10

I was not happy with this question... I was really unhappy with the wording. I explained to her that I dislike the wording of her question but that I would answer anyway. I explained to her that it is almost impossible to answer this with just a number from 1 to 10 ..... each day and situation is different some days would be a 5 some might be a 9.

I told her that this is my "norm" so how do you rate something like that. Life is not just black and white. So I told her if she asked me the same question 8 or 9 months ago it would have been different.

I also gave her an example.... here it is :

When you bring your first baby home from the hospital the stress and worry is a lot higher than 10, 11, or 12 months down the road. The reason for this is because its a change and as you learn how to live your life with this change things start to become more normal, hence making them easier. The same with PTSD. Things are different everyday but its just a change and with any change the more you learn, the easier it becomes to live with it. It may not always be butterflies and rainbows but it is a life I choose to live because I love my veteran. 

She also asked me what changes if any I would make with the VA.... Well, STUPID question to ask the spouse of a Veteran! I told her there should be different, less crowded areas for people with PTSD as well as shorter wait times in those areas. Waiting hours in a crowded loud area is DEFINITELY not ideal for these vets! I added that there should be more information and support for spouses. If I didn't go to these appointments with my husband I would have been told he has PTSD and left to figure things out on my own. I told her they should have some sort of seminar for spouses to go and learn different techniques on how to handle different situations as well as the different scenarios that may come up.

I think I may have opened her eyes a bit. :)

Busy Busy Busy

Wow so I have been slacking on my blog but we have been so busy.....

Getting ready to head north for the holiday. So much to do before hand.

Can't wait to see everyone! Been thinking about seeing all my 4 legged friends too :)

This isnt much of a blog but I'm headed to bed .... Another busy day tomorrow :)

Good Night!

Getting things done...

Wow... Can you believe its already December? Where did 2011 go? It feels like this year just flew by. We have been in NC for 8 months now and I just unpacked all of my collectable masks! 


As I look back at this year I start to think.... Is this really what my life is? I don't really feel like I have accomplished much. I feel like I kinda wasted this whole year of my life. Sad o_0


It has not been the best or easiest year.... There have been a lot of issues this year. I can only hope that the road I am on has a few less potholes and sharp turns in the future. 


So with Christmas approaching quickly I would like to wish everyone a safe and wonderful Christmas and I hope the new year brings you all the joy your heart can handle! 


We leave soon to go visit family for Christmas and I HATE FLYING!!!! 


The last time I flew I made the mistake of telling my wonderful brother in law how much I hate it... Thankfully He is not on the plane with me this time. Love you Anth but your an ass lol 


We have a close friend taking care of our home and 4 legged babies.... and the chickens while we are gone. Hope he doesn't loose his mind :) 


There are 2 things I keep thinking I have to get while up north and that is an ice coffee and a canoli(sp?) lol 
Everyone keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and I feel horrible but I really have NO IDEA!!! Can you believe it? I always have something I want but when asked my mind is as empty as a bag of chips hidden in a cabin at fat camp lol 

I am sure I will love whatever I get :) my family seems to know me well enough, they always find something that is truly ME!


Well I think I wrote enough tonight.... gonna go play some games and then head to bed 




Good Night

Priorities...

Wow went from a great day yesterday to feeling like #2 again. Some people in this world have their priorities all fucked up! No you didn't HAVE to you chose to. In making the choices you make you put everything else last.

I hate feeling this way. I hate knowing that you make other things more important than what should be. You think im mad but im not mad im hurt and disappointed. I just want to cry but my emotions are not important and are covered up by a stone face mask.

Its not worth my breath or energy to express my feelings about a situation because it doesn't matter. Its not going to change anything so I might as well keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and only show them to myself in the bathroom mirror.

nice day!

So we have had a few really nice days……

Roo has discovered he loves hunting, even if he does not catch anything. He said sitting in the woods is relaxing. He was so happy yesterday and it was nice to see him that way.

My day started out shitty because my hair dresser went MIA. I was really looking forward to getting my hair done. My roots are so bad! So while me and Leigh Ann were trying to track down a hair dresser that wasn’t ridiculously priced we went on the search for maternity pants for the little prego girl. We had a really nice day together. We went to visit our other sister Monica and spent some time with her.

Such a nice day the only thing missing was April. It would have been nice to have a day with just us 4 sisters hanging out.

Roo has his pills and has been feeling a lot better, probably because he is finally getting some sleep. 

Now I’m sitting down at the club hanging out with some good people. Time to shut down, have a drink and relax. Making American spaghetti tonight for the butthead. 

It was so nice then we came home ate and played some skip bo with Leigh Ann. What a good day!

Rainy Day...

Today has been a rainy day at home. I love the rain! It's even better when there is thunder and lightning. The only down fall about rain where we live is that my front yard floods right up to my front door.

I still have a cold :( but I figured I would write a quick blog.

Hasn't been a bad day but defiantly BORING!

life...

People like to try to make everyone feel better but most of the time no one knows what has been on your mind to upset you in the first place. When people say “inspiring” things and give you a hug they expect you to feel instantly better.  It does not work that way!

I have had so much on my mind that my dreams are not even my own anymore. I dream about numbers and bills and all the shit that I think about during the day. My whole life revolves around what is due for bills, what pills need to be refilled, when is the next doctor’s appointment, and so on.

I really wish I had a switch for my brain to shut off the thoughts. I go through life as a human PDA with a mask over my emotions.  My job as a wife is to be sure everything is done for everyone and make sure my household runs smoothly. People want me to vent to them to try to relieve my stress but no one understands what I go through, or what my life is like. I don’t have a venting source except my writing. My husband wants me to vent to him but I am always worried that my venting is going to set him off.

My life is not my own…..

my mask

I live my life with a mask over my soul. I hide my problems and thoughts. My mind is my own prison and no one knows Im locked in it.

If you put to much in a pot it boils over. I could see it my pot was boiling over but I put more and more and more. Finally I boiled over but there is still too much.. I dont know how to fix me, I never have. I am still lock in this prison in my head....

And there is no key to let me out :(

WOW!!! What a day!

It has been a day! I have felt like screaming multiple times so far today!

So today I started by getting up at 5:15 so that me and the hubby could take my sisters cat Squish to be neutered. He pooped and got sick on the floor of my car. EWWWW! We dropped him off and drove an hour back home to hopefully take a nap but Jynx had other plans. Jynx is 2 years old now and still has the brain of a puppy at times.

So I got up with Jynx and let Roo keep sleeping. I took a look out back to peak at Falla and she definitely had puppy brains, but she IS a puppy :) so not really anything new. She decided her dog house would look better at the bottom of the hill where she can't reach. So Falla, who was soaked from all the rain we got this morning, decided she was gonna dig a hole to China and was covered in clay mud. I went outside to go get her house and I guess I looked way to clean because she immediately jumped on me and cover me in clay too.

After getting her house back where she could get into it and cleaning myself up I decided to try to lay on the couch and relax. Would have worked nicely but Jynx was still moving at 100mph. So I just kinda putted around for a while. I woke Roo up and then checked my facebook and saw that the highway I have to take to pick up Squish in 2 hours was completely shut down because a highway sign fell and hit a big truck... AWESOME.... NOT!!!! So we left early to go get him.

We got home and let Squish roam in Leigh Anns room. I LOVE IT. He is all wobbly like he is drunk :) LOL!

Now I am sitting here while my husband plays WOW... he gets into a world of his own with this game. He is not in a great mood which has been the norm lately. I wish there was something I can do but my best bet is to just leave him in his WOW world where he can kill things,,, I don't know but I think thats the point of that game.

Tomorrow is gonna be another hard day with his first appointment with his psychiatrist to talk about things and possibly fix his meds....AGAIN. 

Hopefully, we can get some nice weather and possibly go for a hike. That always helps him clear his mind and improve his mood.

My first blog post!!! yay :)

First... HELLO!!!

This is my first post on my first blog ever! I am starting this blog to make me feel like I am actually stimulating my mind at some point during my day, week, month, ect. 

Let me explain. Currently I am unemployed. I have been unemployed for some time now and I HATE IT! I am however holding a few titles at this point in time. The first title would be wife, I know typical, right? Wrong! I am married to a disabled veteran. He is my American Hero. The hard part about this is trying to keep all of the medication, doctors appointments, and PTSD triggers under my hat and try to keep my house and life rolling smoothly. 

Second, I am the "Bitch". I am the one everyone comes to when there is some sort of argument with a company, bill collector, ect. I have a big mouth and a strong opinion. People do not usually win an argument with me when I put my mind to getting things done the way I want them. 

Now enough about my life and me.

I am excited to start this blog. I am not sure if this is a good idea or the beginning of the next world war.

I do have to say I think it will be nice to have a place to share all of my thoughts and feelings other than facebook.

Well... Until next time!