New beginnings

We all have hurdles. I seem to find the ones lined in barbed wire lol.

My life is again smacking me in the face with a huge dose of reality.

My infertility issues are finally at a point where I have no choice but accept them. After 2 rounds of IVF and 9 years of trying to conceive, my doctor has recommended a surgery to help with the pain and discomfort of monthly lady issues. This is a big red stamp saying NEVER on my baby dreams.

It is really hard to accept. I can honestly say I feel like I am a disappointment to my family. I feel like half a woman. I always thought a true WOMAN got married and had babies. Even when I was younger the women I knew who had no kids seemed strange to me. Now I'm that strange woman.

I try to look at the positive things.... I will not have to suffer every month anymore.
I can vacation with other adults.

But it doesn't seem like a lot of positive things. It feels like I'm missing out.

Vacation

So this is our last night in sapphire valley and it was a nice little vacation but I miss my pets. I can't wait to get home to them tomorrow.

Sapphire valley is nice but there really isn't much to do here if the weather is bad and we only had a few days of good weather. This resort is definitely aimed towards an older crowd and I was bored... A lot! Roo seemed to enjoy his naps. He is such an old man. I spent just as much time watching tv and playing online as I would have back home.

We did catch a few cool sights. First we went to highland and went shopping in a cute little downtown that was full of life. Then we went to Cherokee and went to the Cherokee museum which was really interesting. We went to whiteside mountain and a waterfall. The views were amazing! E went back to Cherokee today and had a run in with a crazy Indian that decided to punch Roo while we were stopped at a red light. SMH!

Now I'm laying here in bed and I'm wide awake listening to Roo snore. Wish I could sleep but I am really excited to see all my babies tomorrow and I miss talking to my butthead.

Choices

Everyday we wake up we make choices. What to wear, what to eat, what you do throughout the day is a choice. Some of the choices we make are tiny and some are huge but either way they change your life.

How do we know if we are making the right choices?
We don't.

We can't see into the future to heck the outcome of the choices we make. All we can do is try to find the ones that make us happy.

I have made a lot of choices. Some good, some bad, some didn't make a difference.

I have been cursed with a brain that over analyzes everything. I think so much that sometimes I feel like I'm my own worst enemy.

I really wish I had an off switch or an easy button.

Burn

How bad is it when you write down all the things that hurt you and then take the papers in the front yard and burn them :(

Predicament

How do you find an answer to a question you can't ask?

Following your heart while fighting with your mind is impossible. It's like a war of emotions that's impossible to win.

Confusion will make people crazy. My life is changing and I don't know what road is best for me to travel. My heart hurts and my mind is calling me a fool for not using my common sense and rationality.

My love will never go away. That's for sure. But the rest I don't know

Aggravated.... And fed up

Who cares about Tiffany?
Who cares that I didn't sign up for this?
Tired. Depressed. Foolish. Angry. Unappreciated.

But it doesn't matter. I just have to pretend everything is ok. Apparently I am only allowed one emotion, happy.

Well here is some news for the world... I am human! I have emotions! I feel pain! I can't deal with everything that is on my plate. But who cares?

I did not ask for all these pets. Although I love them. I protested most of them. You bring them home and I have to take care of them. AND while you sleep and get a good nights rest I am awake feeling like shit. Im in pain and it's my job to deal with your dog dragging me because she needs to go out. You can't seem to do anything you say. And I'm left to clean, cook, take care of all the finances. While taking care of all the animals unless I jump your ass to help me. Then if you do anything without me saying you want a damn parade! WTF.

Can't wait for my little vacation. Even though right this minute I'm wondering if I can go because I don't know if my house can be run without me.

Complete bs!!!!!!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh

Fucking think

You are slowly killing me with out even trying. You rip me apart from the inside. Invisible wounds are hard to heal.

I am walking with one foot out the door. You need to figure out your problem before I am gone like a cloud of dust. I know my worth even if you don't. I know what I deserve.

I don't deserve what you have been dishing.

You don't deserve all I do. From now one you can feed yourself. Do your own laundry. Wash your dishes. Find the shit you misplace.

You can do whatever the fuck you want. Just remember if what you want is somewhere else. GO GET IT!!!!


If I walk out that door I promise I will not be back.